This is of, course, not meant to be a genuine Jewish Rabbi. He's more like a Rabbi created in the image of a Lutheran Pastor.

Greetings friends,

And I don't use that term lightly. I know we're from different religions - you're Christian and I'm Jewish, but there are lots of similarities between us. God's one, of course, but it's pretty obvious that you also like to do things properly and in order. It's good to see you also aim to maintain certain standards of dress and behaviour. I've heard that in some organizations in your world just about anything goes, but not here. It's also good to know that like us Samaritan Jews, you Ipswich Lutherans are ordinary battlers. I'm not quite sure who the equivalent people are in your society but we sure cop it from those uppity Jerusalem Jews. They think they're just it. They always criticize us, say we aren't as pure bred as them. Even call us foreigners and illegal immigrants. Say we were brought in as settlers by an invading army. Nowadays our area seems to attract a lot more immigrants, so unemployment is higher here and there are a few more social problems that we have to deal with. But at least we accept these people, and they feel more comfortable living here rather than with that lot in Jerusalem.

My name's Zedechai by the way. And I'm the head Rabbi of the synagogue in Sychar. Interestingly it's about the same distance from the temple in Jerusalem as your church is from the centre of the upperty capital city of Brisbane.

Despite what they say about us, we still try to do things properly here in Sychar. And that's why I had to deal pretty harshly recently with people who'd come under the influence of some wacko travelling teacher a few months ago. Actually you might be interested to hear the whole story. I think there are lessons in the story for anyone who is trying to respect tradition and do things properly.

Incidentally, have any of you women have been married five times? Four? Three? Phew, that's a relief. I got a shock seeing you all sitting in the middle with the men as if you belong there, instead of being on the edges with the kids, but at least you still respect marriage. Not like Easy Elsie, as we used to call her. She'd been married five times and you wouldn't want to hear about her present arrangements. No matter how careful you are, you always seem to end up with a few women like that in a town like Sychar. But she knew we didn't approve. We weren't nasty. We actually had allocated a special chair just for her in the synagogue. She wasn't allowed to sit anywhere else. (Never know what you might catch from people like that.) And it wasn't out fault we usually couldn't find the chair when she turned up. You should have seen the dresses she wore, or should I say almost wore. But the jokes!! Now they were good. I even worked a couple into the sermon one. Why is Easy Elsie's brain hte size of a pea in the mornings? - It swells at night. What did easy Elsie call her pet zebra - Spot. Everyone one roared laughing. It was OK though she didn't hear most of 'em

Easy Elsie had no sense of humour though. I've only heard her laugh once, completely inappropriately too. None of us realised the kids had swapped my chair with hers, until she just marched right out the front and politely asked me to move from her chair. Well I leapt up and she plonked herself down in the middle of all the men, and just laughed and laughed. It wasn't funny. Never is when people break important rules

But it get's worse. Women are supposed to stay inside the house right? You still believe a good basic law like that I'm sure. It's how God made things to be. Women doing women type things, looking after the kids and the cooking, while the men are outside in public places doing the manly things like farming, looking after animals, and being in charge of society organizations like this. With your fancy modern water taps inside, I guess you've forgotten the appropriate time for women to go and get the water from the community well - another woman's job, of course You go into the male domain as one female group at the sensible time of early morning and late afternoon. Any other time is totally inappropriate and a challenge to men and the proper way of doing things.

Well, some say the women gave Easy Elsie a hard time and so she didn't like to go at these accepted times. I say doing the right thing is much more important than protecting yourself from a little harmless gossip. She could have just lagged behind a little but, NO. Easy Elsie went at Noon. Now I ask you, is that crazy or what? Some said it was her way of showing she believed she was as good as any man, but let's face it women just aren't capable of thinking like that. No, she's just crazy.

Now, as I heard it, one day this young travelling upstart of a rabbi, one of those liberal ones from down South, happened to arrive at the well at the same time as Elsie. Instead of keeping his distance, till she'd gone, he marches right up to her and speaks, worse, asks her for a drink of water. I mean, I wouldn't dare put anything in my body that people like that had anything to do with, and I was best mates with her third husband.

If any of you just can't stand to hear the next bit, I'll understand if you move outside, or at least block the ears of your children. I simply choose not to believe it. I reckon Elsie made up this bit because it would be as impossible as ... as one of you women being allowed to come up here and read a sacred text.

Elsie said the water request led to a theological discussion. He said something about being able to give her living water, water that wells up to eternal life. Now, all you men will know that's "Messiah" talk. It's the sort of thing God promised we'd get when the Promised One arrived. So what would Elsie know about such things? Like any woman, Elsie wouldn't be able to recognize a discussion about the work of the Messiah if the Messiah himself came and explained it to her. I reckon the guy was probably mumbling something about wishing there was a decent pub called "Living Waters" out here so he didn't have to drink this Samaritan rubbish but Elsie heard it wrong.

But that's not all. Elsie then says she asked a question about the proper worship of God. She'd probably overheard us men complaining about that Jerusalem mob raving on about how only Temple worship is real worship. I know her well enough to believe she would be arrogant enough to think she could ask a rabbi a question, but how she thought she'd be able to understand his answer, is beyond me. He's supposed to have told her that the place of real worship doesn't matter, that real worship isn't a public activity, that it could happen in private places. It's supposed to be the attitude of people's hearts that's the most important. Now I ask you, can you imagine any man saying such things. Why, that would take worship out of male hands and make it possible for worship to move into the private realm, where women are in control. Impossible.

When I was first told about these things, it was about here I tended to forget Elsie's inappropriate actions and focus on the unbelievable behaviour of the so called "Rabbi". And I'm not just talking about his acknowledging her existence, his willingness to receive water from her, or his unauthorised theological discussion with a woman, but for me at least, right at the top is another thing they discussed, and please forgive me for mentioning it here - Elsie says they discussed her sexual behaviour - the state of her relationships with men. Now that's utterly, utterly inappropriate no matter what.

Strangely however, it seemed to impress Elsie. She even forgot why she went to the well in the first place. She rushed back into Sychar, without her water jar, and then.... then proceeds to preach to men in public about the Messiah. I wonder what possessed her? There must have been something, because rather than being stunned by Elsie's behaviour, would you believe, the men went out to the well to listen to the rabbi for themselves. Then they invite him back to town, and most of them become this guys followers. It's taken me six months of hard work and lots of preaching, but I think I've got just about everyone settled down and back to living according to the old rules and regulations. The only one who hasn't settled down is Easy Elsie.

It seems she's managed to get together a group of no hopers who meet, wait for it, for worship in her own home. But I'm not worried at all. Last week she began to speak about this Rabbi guy coming back to life again after the guys in Jerusalem managed to get him executed. With a crazy message like that, people will see through her in no time. I also heard they only have one rule - Love. Love, that's not even a proper rule. Let me tell you communities need to be told what's expected of 'em. You'll never get anywhere smiling at misbehaving kids, they need to be put in their place. They'll be thinking of God as a loving Father or even Mother next. We all need to spend life living up to other people's expectations and God's .. when the real Messiah arrives he won't be giving us watery gifts or setting us free from rules I can guarantee that, there'll be even more wonderful rules to follow, you mark my words.

© Copyright Rev. K.W. Stiller.